The Day I Met Grief

 The phone rang. It was my moms neighbor requesting I go to moms right at that moment, she begged me to stop asking questions and just go. 

I turned onto the street I grew up on, I saw the home that raised me blocked off with yellow caution tape. 

My stomach dropped. 

I jumped out of the vehicle and ran towards the house, the officer stopped me and demanded to know who I was. I remember saying this is my home. He pointed at the back deck and I saw mom standing there pacing. I ran to her and asked what was happening? 

She looked at me and said 

“He’s dead”  Who? I asked, “Kyle”

My weightless body hit the deck floor & the tears came hard. 

Kyle is my younger brother. He was 18 when he died. I was 28 and have never met grief, I was blessed to still have all my grandparents, my parents, and all my close family members &  friends. 

The moment I watched my brother's body pass me in a bag and how my step father was hugging him through a bag while repeating no. no. no. was the moment my life changed. 

Grief entered my body and it didn't feel comfortable, it didn't feel safe, it didn't feel good, it kept me from sleeping. it kept me from eating. it kept me in fear.

So I ignored it! I invested all my energy into my mom, my step dad, my other siblings and how they needed one of us to be strong so I decided I would just be strong for them.  (this part of my grief is a whole other blog) 

Ignoring it lasted too long my body started to shut down, I became the healer of others meanwhile I was nowhere close to feeling healed within myself.

 I remember the night it hit me hard… 

My phone rang  “Your mom needs you, go to the house” of course I quickly drop what I am doing & I leave my daughter and spouse at that time to rush to mom. I arrive & mom is just doing her thing…..

I quickly ask “are you ok?”

 she responds “yes, why? What's up?” 

I share the phone call with her and she assures me she is ok, that the call was not necessary. 

I hugged her. 

I walked into my brother Kyle's room.

I grabbed his backpack and tossed a couple beers into it, I threw it on my back and told mom I was going for a walk. 

My walk brought me to a rock, a big rock. A rock that overlooked lake Simcoe I explored through the bush till I found myself sitting on that rock. 

As soon as I sat and looked out onto the water with the sun setting, I cracked a beer “Cheers Brother”

BOOM the tears came on hard as if I just learnt the news all over again for the first time. This time was different, I was not surrounded by yellow caution tape, officers, family, Kyle's friends. 

I was alone. 

I talked to him. I yelled at him. I let so many emotions out.

I also asked myself important questions. 

“Shannon, are you happy? 

Shannon, if you died tomorrow did you live the life you dreamt of? 

Shannon, is your life important? “

To simplify how I answered myself, the answer was 

NO! 

I had no good parts, strong parts leftover to support me.

I had given so much away & was feeling depleted. 

I didn't know then. What I know now. 

That rock, that moment, that cry, those questions were me speaking to the universe in a bigger way. Because, not long after this moment our memorial baseball tournament in memory of Kyle was happening. 

That day, I WON 10 FREE YOGA CLASSES. 
I had never practiced yoga before, felt tempted to give the classes to someone else but reminded myself of the moment I was alone, the rock, the cry and how life just became too damn short so I was going to attend these classes.

All 10 classes were 1:1 with the Yoga Teacher & this is where I grieved, I felt what healing is suppose to feel like, I felt heard, seen, supported.